


My Favorite Accident

by sixoutoften



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:01:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sixoutoften/pseuds/sixoutoften
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When their mother dies, Brendon and Ryan look for comfort in each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Favorite Accident

Mommy's been sick.

She's been in the hospital for a while now. 

Ryan knows she might not come back home.

Brendon doesn't want to believe what the doctors tell them.

-

Daddy's been better at taking care of the boys. He still drinks. He still spends most of his time in his and Mommy's bedroom, the door locked and bottles littering the floor. But at least there's usually food on the table when school is over.

-

It's Thursday and raining and the boys have just gotten home from school. Daddy waits by the door for them. He says Mommy isn't coming home and he takes a sip from the glass bottle in his hand.

Brendon drops his textbook.

-

Ryan spends the next half hour holding his brother close as they sit on the couch, whispering softly in his ear that everything will be okay.

-

Ryan hasn't cried, at least not yet. He'll wait until it's late and the lights are out and he can muffle himself with his pillow. For now he has to stay strong for his baby brother, no matter how much he feels like falling apart.

They've lost their mother, the only one who had taken care of them while their father just stuck around for the hell of it.

-

Ryan holds Brendon a little tighter and shoots his father a look when he comes out to grab another bottle.

-

The boys have stopped going to school.

It's already May, and Ryan says he's gotten through enough of his senior year to get by without completing the rest. It's not like he has any friends to see, anyway.

Brendon follows his big brother's lead and hopes that half a grade nine education is good enough.

-

A week passes and the school calls home. For once Ryan is glad Daddy is too drunk to answer the phone.

-

Ryan opens his eyes and expects pale sunlight to illuminate the room, expects morning birds to be singing. Instead he finds darkness and a silhouette hovering over his bed. He blinks and makes out that it's Brendon.

"I can't sleep," Brendon whispers once he realizes Ryan's awake.

"So?"

"So, let me in, asshole." 

Ryan shifts, makes room and lifts the covers so Brendon can climb into bed beside him. He pretends to hate it when Brendon insists on sleeping together, but he secretly loves it. Sometimes he waits for Brendon to fall asleep so he can watch his little brother, the soft moonlight cascading shadows on every crevice of his body, the slow rise-and-fall of his chest and the smooth lullaby of his breathing blending into the silence.

He's almost glad Brendon can't sleep, he thinks, as his brother presses his back flush against Ryan's chest. Ryan wraps an arm around the thin body beside him, a comforting gesture. Their legs instinctively intertwine. He whispers, "What's up?"

"Bad dream." (Brendon's been dreaming a lot about Mommy dying, about being stuck with a man who hardly loves them. Usually he just sucks it up, pulls the covers up higher and closes his eyes until he falls into another uneasy sleep).

Ryan tightens his hold on Brendon's frame and plants a kiss on his baby brother's head.

He wants to say he loves Brendon but he keeps his mouth shut.

-

When Ryan wakes up it's late in the afternoon, the new usual. He's on his back, his head fallen back on the pillow. Brendon is curled up in Ryan's side, his head resting on Ryan's chest. He's still asleep.

Ryan tries hard to ignore the butterflies in his gut.

-

It's nearly three in the morning and Brendon is on the couch watching infomercials when Daddy stumbles in the door.

Brendon chances a glance up at him and their eyes meet. Daddy's gaze is glassy and cold but tired.

Brendon doesn't want to leave but he does, switching off the TV and dragging his feet across the floor until he reaches the bedroom. He ends up stopping at Ryan's bed instead of his own.

"Can I sleep with you again?"

Ryan doesn't even try to hide the smile that spreads wide across his face as he moves the covers aside.

Brendon's grinning when he climbs in.

-

Brendon's reading one of Ryan's books, curled up on Ryan's bed, waiting for Ryan to come back from the kitchen with sodas.

He hears a thump and disregards it, figuring Daddy just tripped or knocked something over, and goes back to his book.

A moment later Ryan walks in. A mark adorns his face, harsh red surrounding his eye and a bruise forming pale purple beside it.

Brendon drops the book and moves toward Ryan. He touches his fingertips to Ryan's skin, a barely-there tap on his cheek. Ryan winces and Brendon pulls away like he's been burned.

"What the hell happened?"

"Dad."

-

Brendon crawls into bed without hesitation.

It's been a month and his nightmares have long since stopped.

But they've fallen into the habit of sleeping together, and they don't want to get back out.

-

Brendon awakes from a dream, not bad but not particularly good. He stretches and snuggles closer to the heat of his brother's body.

He's careful to avoid pressing into the bruises and cuts that decorate Ryan's skin.

-

One night Ryan says Brendon should sleep in his own bed. Brendon doesn't want to.

"I don't want you to, either."

"Then don't make me."

"Bren, you're fifteen. I'm turning eighteen soon. We can't keep sharing a bed. It's fucking weird."

"No it isn't. I like sleeping with you. And besides, if I go back I'll just have more bad dreams."

Ryan stands up and inches forward until their faces are close, Ryan looking down into Brendon's eyes. "You will not have bad dreams. Mom died two months ago. She's gone. Get over it."

Ryan leaves.

-

Brendon doesn't get it.

How can Ryan just forget about Mommy? Forget that she was always there when Daddy wasn't. Forget that she took care of them. Protected them. Loved them.

He presses his face further into his pillow and lets the questions out of his eyes like waterfalls, pulls the covers up to his chin and closes his eyes, willing for sleep to come.

-

Sleep does come, but all it brings is a nightmare where Bigbrother yells at Littlebrother and Littlebrother cries.

-

Ryan cracks one eye open and Brendon is standing there, clutching a pillow to his chest. It takes a moment for him to see the tears on his brother's cheeks, but as soon as they're noticed Ryan is pulling Brendon close, petting his hair and whispering he's sorry.

-

"I love you."

Ryan blinks.

He tilts his head from where it rests on Brendon's stomach and looks into Brendon's eyes. "Hm?"

Brendon combs his fingers through Ryan's hair, minding the bump on his scalp. He eyes the purple battle wounds on Ryan's chest and the gash on his shoulder. He thinks of how Daddy could have done this to  _him_ , how Daddy could have bruised and bloodied  _him_. Ryan is so much stronger than Brendon is. Ryan can take it, but Brendon isn't sure he ever could. He's glad Ryan keeps him safe. Lets Daddy make him feel bad so Brendon can feel good.

He means it when he repeats, "I love you."

-

Ryan finds an old jar of peanut butter in the back of the cabinet and he remembers Mommy's recipe for cookies.

-

There's an eggshell on the counter and flour dusts the floor but there's a plate of peanut butter cookies ready to eat, and Brendon and Ryan sit close on the couch with the TV illuminating the dark room (with Daddy passed out one room over).

Brendon grabs a cookie and takes a bite.

Ryan waits for a moment until he can't hold back and he wraps an arm around his brother's shoulder, pulls him close, kisses his warm lips tasting of peanut butter. 

Brendon doesn't shove him away.

-

George staggers out of his bedroom in the middle of the night and finds his sons asleep on the couch, Brendon's head on Ryan's shoulder. Their hands are loosely held together, fingers tangled.

George sighs and grabs another bottle and locks himself in his room.

-

Brendon wakes up and Daddy is gone for the day.

-

It's late and Brendon and Ryan are in bed when Daddy comes home, and they hear him slam each door he passes through until he's in his bedroom.

Ryan gives Brendon a look that says he's glad Daddy hasn't caught them yet.

Brendon nods and kisses the cut on his brother's lip.

-

The melody of morning birds' song wakes Brendon up, and he finds himself half on top of Ryan, their legs twisted together like twine. Brendon shifts to get comfortable in the heat of his brother's thin body without accidentally pressing into a bruise.

He feels something digging into his hip. It takes a moment for his groggy mind to register that it's his brother's dick.

Brendon finds himself placing his hand flat against Ryan's chest, slowly, gently dragging it down his body. He stops to palm Ryan through his sweatpants.

Ryan opens his eyes. He asks Brendon what he's doing.

In response Brendon squeezes his fingers lightly and leans down to kiss Ryan's lips.

Ryan reaches down and grabs Brendon's wrist so his hand stops moving.

"Bren, this is… Do you even know what this means? What we're doing is so completely wrong already. I don't want to ruin what we have."

Brendon kisses his big brother again, slides his tongue easily past Ryan's lips. He pulls back all too quickly.

"I love you," he says, and Ryan blinks. "I know what I'm doing, okay? And I know I want to do it all with you."

Ryan doesn't say another word, just takes his hand away so Brendon's can move again.

Brendon continues to flex his fingers, palming his brother, squeezing his cock through his pants. He can tell Ryan is trying hard not to moan. Brendon brings his other hand to the waistband of Ryan's pants, slips his fingers in and tugs until the pants are bunched around Ryan's knees (with help from Ryan lifting his hips).

Brendon looks into his brother's eyes and Ryan nods.

Brendon wraps his hand around Ryan's cock and strokes, hard and fast. Ryan's hands are gripping the sheets and he's biting his lip, holding his breath to keep quiet with Daddy asleep just across the hall.

Brendon flicks his wrist and Ryan comes, spilling over his stomach and his brother's fingers.

While Ryan's skin tingles and his vision blurs Brendon is shoving his own pants down, fisting his own cock, his brother's come slicking his skin. He comes across Ryan's chest.

Brendon wipes his hand on his pants and leans in to kiss his big brother, and when he pulls back, Ryan is smiling. Brendon grins wide and says, "So, good morning,"

Ryan breathes out a laugh and shoves Brendon lightly. "Shut up," he says, before gesturing toward his midsection and suggesting they go shower.

-

Brendon decides kissing his brother under the hot spray of the shower is better than showering alone.

-

The boys spend the rest of the day in their room, sometimes acting like brothers, sometimes acting like more.

-

Since Daddy neglected to get any cheap takeout to eat, dinner is made by Ryan and is eaten late. 

Ryan falls asleep on the couch directly afterward, Brendon pressed close against him, bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces. Ryan's arm is slung over Brendon's body.

George walks into the room hours later and stops at the sight before him. The first time he was hoping it had been a misunderstanding, but it's clear now that something was going on between the two boys.

His hands curl into fists and he lets out a ragged sigh before turning around and shutting himself in his bedroom, locking it all away.

-

Brendon wakes up the next morning and Ryan isn't there. Daddy towers above him.

-

When Ryan emerges from the shower, he expects to find Brendon still asleep on the couch.

Instead he finds his baby brother on the floor, wincing and curled in on himself like a pill bug. Daddy is just walking away, muttering something under his breath along the lines of  _fucking freak_.

Ryan leans down and scoops his brother up into his arms. He carries Brendon to bed, laying him down on the cool blankets. He lifts Brendon's shirt and touches his feather-light fingers to the red-and-aubergine colored skin where Daddy hit Brendon. Brendon hisses out a sound of pain and Ryan pulls away. He leaves to get something cold to put on the contusion.

-

The next morning Brendon says he's fine, says the bruise doesn't even hurt that much. Ryan, skeptical, presses his fingertips lightly to Brendon's skin, dragging them slowly down his chest.

Brendon's only reaction is a gasp as Ryan draws goosebumps from the pale expanse of exposed skin.

Ryan wastes no time in reaching for the waistband of Brendon's pajama pants, pulling them down.

Brendon grabs at Ryan's shirt and pulls him down for a kiss. When Ryan wraps his long fingers around his brother's half-hard cock and begins to stroke slowly, Brendon breaks away to breathe out a moan.

Ryan kisses along Brendon's jaw, his neck, his collarbone, and Brendon knows what's coming. He cards his fingers through Ryan's hair as he moves lower (and Brendon appreciates the way Ryan's kisses soften when he passes over the bruise adorning his chest).

Ryan gets to Brendon's cock and he licks a stripe along the underside, loving the way Brendon's breath picks up, loving that he can make Brendon feel this way.

Ryan licks his lips and parts them, closing them over his brother's cock and moving down. Brendon's hips thrust upward helplessly but Ryan's hand is there to hold him down.

Brendon fists his hand through Ryan's hair and forgets about the world.

-

Brendon cries out and squeezes harder on Ryan's hand ("You can hold my hand. You know. If you need to.") as Ryan pushes in slowly.

Ryan leans down as best he can and presses a kiss to the corner of Brendon's mouth. "Shh… you're doing good, Brenny, so good,"

Brendon bites his lip and tries not to cry.

-

Ryan's glad their father isn't home, because the noises he and Brendon are making are echoing off the walls, a symphony of moans that Ryan is conducting.

"Fuck, Ryan…" Brendon groans, and he pushes back onto Ryan, tries to get him deeper.

"Yeah," is all Ryan can manage in response.

-

Ryan pulls out and collapses next to Brendon. He turns Brendon's head with a gentle finger and they kiss, warm and deep. Ryan brushes the sweat-soaked hair from his brother's face.

They fall asleep, skin sticking and breath heavy.

-

When Brendon wakes up he feels fine about losing his virginity to his older brother. He wonders if he should be concerned about this but brushes the thought away as Ryan leans in to kiss him while Daddy's back is turned and he's too drunk to notice.

-

It's become a game of sorts: see how loud they can be without Daddy noticing.

-

Brendon takes his lips away from Ryan's skin for a split second to say, "Happy 18th birthday." Ryan pets the hair at the nape of Brendon's neck in acknowledgment and Brendon continues to press kisses along Ryan's bones.

-

Daddy walks in and catches Brendon sucking Ryan's cock.

He yells at them, his voice resonating throughout the room. He swings the bottle he holds down onto the corner of a dresser, shattering the end of it, and he points the remaining jagged glass at the boys, threatens to hurt them with it.

Brendon screams protests.

Ryan yells for Daddy to leave.

Daddy calls them fags and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

-

Ryan cups Brendon's face in his hand and wipes the tears away with his thumb. He pulls his brother close and shushes him, urging him to stop shaking and sobbing.

-

Daddy's been worse lately.

He screams at the boys rather than yelling.

He's been abusing them both more and more.

He creeps into the boys' bedroom at night. If he catches Brendon in Ryan's bed he'll grab Brendon by the arm and shove him to the other side of the room, knocking him to the floor. Ryan will hear Brendon crawl over to his own bed and climb in, will hear him whimper and cry into the fabric of his pillowcase, but he'll be too scared to do anything about it.

-

"You're both fucked up. I'm glad you're too fucking antisocial to go anywhere because I'm fucking ashamed of you."

"Shut up."

"Don't tell me to shut up!  _You_  should shut your damn mouth next time you wanna go and tell your fucking little brother you  _love_  him."

Brendon chimes in to the argument. "It's not our fault. Stop yelling at us already."

Daddy turns to him, stomps forward, raises a fist.

Ryan steps in front of his brother and swings a fist at his father's face, lands a hit just below the man's eye. Daddy grits his teeth and slaps Ryan, shoves him to the dirty wooden floor. He's turning away, rubbing the forming bruise on his face, when Ryan manages to stand, sets his jaw and says, "Fuck you."

Daddy spins around. "What the fuck did you just say?"

Ryan repeats, "Fuck you," and grabs Brendon's hand. He walks to their bedroom and Brendon hurriedly follows, and the door is shut and locked before their father can get to them.

Ryan and Brendon huddle in the corner of the room for what feels like forever while Daddy slams his fists on the splintered wood of the door, yelling threats and insults.

-

Brendon is disgusting. He's a freak, a creep, a sick person for being in love with his older brother.

Ryan's even worse for letting it all happen, for liking it, for loving Brendon back.

-

"I didn't even know Daddy had a gun."

-

The boys wait patiently in their beds for Daddy to shut himself in his bedroom for the night. They hear the clink of glass bottles and the click of the door shutting across the hall, and they sit up, lock eyes, nod their heads. They climb out of bed and hold hands as they move across the room, to the hiding place of the solution to their problems.

-

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

-

Ryan takes the gun from Brendon's limp fingers.

He'd squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head when Brendon took his shot, but he knows when it's his turn.

He has to hurry now; Daddy has undoubtedly heard the shot and is probably coming to investigate (despite being drunk).

Ryan leans down and whispers to Brendon's lifeless body that he loves his baby brother, will always love him.

He stands, presses the gun to his head and takes a deep breath before pulling the trigger, following his brother's lead. The shot is loud but afterwards is eerily silent, the only sound being Ryan's body falling to the floor.


End file.
